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Bty Bar Songs

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Below are the typical Bty Bar songs sung by the Drunk Squaddie.
These songs contain abusive content which can be either READ, SEEN or HEARD.
    If you take offence from such material
    Please do not scroll further down this page.


T was on the good ship Venus
Kin oath you should have seen us
The figurehead was Fourskin Ned
Whopping away on his penis.
Chorus :
Frigging in the riging
Wanking in the planking
Masturbating in the grating
Cause there s fuck-all else to do.

The captain s name was Morgan
A homo-sexual gorgon
Three times a day, He used to play
Upon his sexual organ.

The captain s wife was Mabel
Whenever she was able
Would lay prostrate , Beneath the mate
On top of the chart room table.

The captain s lovely daughter
Went swimming in the water
Delighted squeals Showed that the eels
Had found her sexual quarter.

The cabin boy s name was Ripper
Damn sadistic nipper
Stuffed his arse With broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.

The cook s was Mike O Malley
Didn t dillydally
He shot his bolt With such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.

The stoker s name was Mugger
Filthy low-down bugger
Wasn t fit To shovel shit
On any bugger s lugger.

The parson s name was Farrell
Who wore such strange apparel
They didn t know The arse on show
Was him inside the barrel.

The ship s dog s name was Rover
They often did him over
He moaned and groaned, That faithful hound
From Calais cross to Dover.
The ship s cat s name was Kitty
Oh how her arse was shitty
But shifty or not, It was a twat
And the sailors had no pitty

The bosun s name was Hopper
Kin hell, he had whopper
Once round the deck, Twice round his neck
And up his arse for a stopper.
We sailed to the Azores
And rooted all the whories
We caught the syph, In Tel Avif
And pox in Buenos Aires.

The Ashgrove

The mayor of Bayswater,
He has a pretty daughter.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees (pause)
One black one, one white one
And one with a bit of shite on
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

If she was my daughter
I d have them cut shorter
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
She went down to Woolongong
Where they told her they were much too long
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

I ve smelt it I ve felt it
It s lust like a bit of velvet.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
I know them, I ve seen them
I ve been in between them.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

She married a Spaniard
With a prick like a bloody lanyard~
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
She married an Italian
With a prick like a bloody stallion,
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

It would take a coal miner
To find her vagina.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees.
She bangs just like a dunnie door
But she comes back for more and more
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

Melody - Itself

It's a bastard away from the women and all,
With a pain in the guts from a great lover's ball,
But there's nothing so lonely, shocking, or queer,
Than to knock off a barmaid that's got gonorrhoea.

The publican's anxious for the chemist to come,
He's looking with lust at the barmaid's big bum,
He's waiting to give her a belt up the back,
But without a French letter he might get the jack.

The stockman rides in with a masterly stroke,
Takes the pants off her and gives a poke,
The look on his face quickly turns into fear,
When the barmaid informs him he just got gonorrhoea.

The swaggie tramps in undoing his fly,
He says, "Give me a poke or I'll shoot in your eye."
The stockman jumps up and says, "Don't do it, mate."
But the swaggie says sadly, "It's too bloody late."

Billy the blacksmith, the first time in his life,
Goes home for a roger with his darling wife,
As he walks in the bedroom, she says with a sneer,
"Without a Frenchie, you'll get nothin' here."

There's a dog on the verandah, still sufferin' from shock,
He's just seen the size of old Billy's cock,
He dashes for cover and cringes in fear,
Billy's sure to root something; I'm movin' from here!

Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean

They ought to be publicly pissed on,
They ought to be publicly shot,
They ought to be tied to a urinal,
And left there to fester and rot,
Drink it down, down, down . . .

Tune :The Eton boating song (unavailable)

The sexual life of a camel,
Is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season,
He tries to bugger tive Sphinx.
But the Sphinx s posterior sphincter,
Is all clogged by the sands of the Nile.
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And the Sphinx s Inscrutable smile.
Singing bum-titty, bum-titty, tittybum,
Bum-titty, bum-titty aye.
Singing bum-titty, bum-titty, titty-bum,
Bum-titty, bum-titty aye.
In the process of syphilisation.
From the anthropoid ape down to man,
It is generally held that the Navy,
Has buggered whatever it can.
Yet recent extensive researches,
By Darwin and Huxicy and Hall,
Conclusivety prove that the hedgehog
Has never been buggered at all.
We therefore balleve our conclusion,
Is incontrovertibly shown,
That comparative safety on shipboard,
is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
Why haven t they done it at Sptthead,
As they ve done it at Harvard and Yale,
And also at Oxford and Cambridge,
By shaving the spines of its tail.
The sexual life of the ostrich.
Is hard to understand.
At the height of the mating season,
It buries it s head in the sand.
And if another ostrich finds it
Standing there with it s ass in the air,
Does it have the urge to grind ft.
Or doesn t it bloody well care?

Melody - Come Let Us Adore Him

Why are we waiting,
Could be fornicating (masturbating, etc),
Oh, why are we waiting,
So fucking long, etc . . .

Melody - Itself

Why was he born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all?
He's no fuckin' use to anyone,
He's no bloody use at all.

They say he's a joy to his mother,
But he's a pain in the asshole to me,

He's fresh as a daisy,
He drives me crazy,

So drink it down, down, down . . .

Tune: unavailable

We're off to see the Wild West Sho-o-ow,
The elephants and the kangaroo-oo-oos.
Never mind the weather, as long as we're together,
We're off to see the Wild West Show.

Call: Ladies and Gentlemen!  In this corner we have the  .

Response: The   ?  Fantastic!  Incredible!  What the hell is the ?
Tell us about it mother fucker.

Tattooed Lady:
This tattooed lady has "Merry Christmas!" tattooed inside her left thigh, and "Happy New Year!"
tattooed inside her right thigh.  She wants you to come up and see her between the holidays.

The Fukawi Tribe:
A tribe of pygmies from the Grasslands of Africa, the Fukawi grow to a height of 4 feet tall.  They
roam through the 5-foot tall grass jumping up and down shouting "We're the Fukawi!  We're the

The Laughing Hyena:
This animal lives up in the mountains, and once every year he comes down to eat, once every two
years he comes down to drink, and once every three years he comes down for sexual intercourse.
What the hell he has to fucking laugh about, I don't know.

The Giraffe:
The giraffe is one of the most popular animals in the animal kingdom.  (Why?)  Well, every time he
goes into a bar he says, "The high balls are on me."

The Leopard:
he leopard is the only living calendar--he has one spot for every day of the year.  (What about leap
year?)  Why, just lift up his tail.

The Sabre-Toothed Tiger:
he sabre-toothed tiger is the only 200-pound pussy that eats you.

The Orangutan:
The orangutan has one ball made of brass and the other made of steel, and when he goes swinging
through the trees they go "Orang-a-Tang, Orang-a-Tang!"

The Elephant:
The elephant has an enormous appetite.  Every day it eats 2 tons of hay, 20 buckets of rice...Lady!
Please don't stand behind him...Too late.  Bill, go get the shovel and dig her out.

The Oomie-Goomie Bird:
The oomie-goomie bird has balls that hang down 14 inches.  Unfortunately, his legs are only 12
inches long, and whenever he comes in to land, you can hear him cry, "Oooh, me goomies.  Oooh,
me goomies."

The Ooh-Aah Bird:
The male of this species lives at the North Pole, and the female of this species resides at the South
Pole.  During their mating season, the birds fly until they meet at the equator, where you can hear
them going "Oooooh!  Aaaaaaah!  Oooooh!  Aaaaaaah!"

The Winky-Wanky Bird:
The nervous system of this unusual bird has crossed over the links between his eyelids and his
schlong.  Now, every time he winks, he wanks, and every time he wanks, he winks.  Hey kid!  Stop
throwing sand in his eye!